(wolf howling, thunder crashing)
AJ: Storm clouds gather,
darkness prowls,
the moon shines full as specters howl.
This scary house,
this lonely road,
revenge is coming
and best served cold.
Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls.
Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls.
Peanut, José, shall know their place,
like my awful father,
who scarred my face.
One by one, they'll learn they're damned
to Minding the Monsters with Jeff Dunham.
(cackling)
(glass breaking)
(electrical humming)
(audience cheering)
(applause continues)
Thank you, Savannah.
(cheering)
Well, this is just awesome. Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
We are really excited.
I'm really excited.
The guys in the suitcases are excited.
(cheering)
And this show is called Minding the Monsters.
Why?
Well, we wanted to do a show that was different.
I wanted to do something that I'd never done before.
I've done the standup shows, I've done the specials,
but I wanted something... I wanted something scary.
So I said, "Pick a scary city."
And everybody went...
(cheering, laughter)
So, you know the answer.
You know why this place is scary.
There's lots of reasons, but let me tell the rest of the world.
Savannah is known for being scary
because you have haunted houses,
you have haunted cemeteries.
Every night there are ghost tours going around the city.
(cheering)
My ex-wife was born here.
(laughter)
So, we decided what the heck, we'll do it here.
But why in the world did I want to do a monster special?
Well, growing up as a...
You know, I always enjoyed Frankenstein.
I loved Dracula.
I loved The Mummy. All those monsters.
I loved scaring people, and I loved being scared.
I think it started about the age of five.
I was an only child.
Hey, remember the...
Some of you may remember the cars back then.
The American automobiles were these huge, giant things.
We didn't have seat belts; there were no kid seats.
I was an only kid in the backseat.
These backseats were eight feet wide,
one big, long bench.
I could run back and forth on the bench.
On the floor, the only thing in the way was the hump.
You'd trip over the hump if you didn't see it.
The back window, you could lay in the back window.
I would do that; it was fantastic.
And I would run around back there, and when my mother
was driving, she wouldn't pay any attention to me.
And my mother, still to this day,
has a big, giant beehive hairdo.
Pretty much Marge Simpson hair,
but not the same color, you know what I'm saying?
Looks like that. She also has
these giant curlers that she uses,
and she put them all over her hair.
And I remember standing in the backseat,
and I would look at her hair,
this big, giant beehive of hairdo,
all held together with Aqua Net.
(laughter)
And these big, giant curlers
would make these holes, what looked like caves to me.
I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this.
I remember standing back there,
staring at the hair,
a-and then I looked over on the seat of the car, and, oh,
there's a little rubber, plastic spider, a black spider.
(laughter)
This is all true.
I took that black spider,
and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls.
Fantastic, looked great.
I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought,
"No, that's not good enough."
I found a pencil. I took the pencil...
She's not paying any attention.
This is all true; didn't know I was doing this.
And I took that pencil and ever so gently
pushed it back to the back of the curl,
deep into the caves of curls.
Gone.
Four days later...
(laughter)
I am not kidding.
Four days later...
My bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom.
My mother would comb out her hair about once a month.
It was four days later; she's in the bathroom,
combing out her hair.
The blood-curdling scream that came
when that spider fell out onto her lap
was worth the beating I took later that night.
(applause)
So, as I grew up,
I learned to appreciate all those monster things,
and then, when I had children,
I taught my children that scaring and being scared
was a great thing.
My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid,
she was a master at scaring people.
And when you're scared, there's one of two things
that happens to you.
You have one of two emotions usually.
And it's usually fight or flight.
And you don't know which one you're gonna do
until you're actually really, really scared.
And I'd never been really, really scared
until my daughter started scaring me.
This little twerp could jump out of nowhere
in the middle of the darkness and (high-pitched scream).
Like, (screams).
And I wasn't a flight.
I didn't scream like a girl and run away.
I started punching.
The worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom.
I was cleaning a toilet.
I had the plunger; I was plunging the toilet.
I got finished; I was walking down the hall,
middle of the night like this.
She jumped out of nowhere.
My first reaction was like, "Whoa-oh-oh!"
And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost killed me with a plunger.
Whoo-hoo!"
She's laughing.
That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office.
I had a desk that was fully enclosed.
When you'd sit underneath it, it was a little cave under there.
She learned to hide under there,
and she would sit there patiently.
That's what's so evil about it.
(laughter)
She would wait for ten minutes and then reach out
and grab my legs-- I'd be, like... (grunts)
She eventually learned to take a pillow with her.
(laughter)
You'd be, like, "Aah!"
What the...? Oh.
(laughter)
Now, as they got older,
I stopped scaring them, they stopped scaring me,
but eventually, my daughters and I
figured out that scaring dogs
is a fun thing to do as well.
(laughter)
And one of our favorite dogs to scare
is my little dog Roadie.
Roadie is a five-pound miniature pinscher.
And it's great scaring little dogs,
because they can't do anything to you.
You know those...
candy bowls at Halloween
that have the...
-(audience groans) -hand...
(laughter)
Don't get ahead of me here.
That have the little rubber hand that sticks up, when you
reach in to get the candy, it goes... like this.
First couple of time, I'm, like, "Oh, oh, that's really funny!"
That is not a candy bowl, that is a dog bowl.
(laughter, whooping)
Oh, yeah.
So, I thought this up, and the girls are at the house.
I'm, like, "Girls, watch this.
This is genius!" They're, like,
"What are you doing now, Dad?"
I'm "Just watch, this is great!"
I took the candy bowl, I poured out the candy.
I put a piece of hamburger in the bottom of the bowl
right in front of the hand.
I put the bowl on the ground. Roadie comes running in.
They're, like, "Dad," they're, like, "Dad."
"Oh, my gosh, this is hilarious!"
I'm, like, "Shut up, here she comes."
Roadie comes running in.
She's, like, "Oh, look, there's a hamburger in the bowl!"
She puts her head in the bowl.
Back of the head! (imitates dog shrieking)
(laughter)
Roadie's looking around,
like, "What the hell? Who hit me?
I'm just trying to get the hamburger."
The girls are, like...
(imitates girls laughing)
Roadie goes back.
(imitates thud, and dog shrieking)
Then she figures out it's the stupid bowl.
She's pissed at the bowl now,
but she wants to get the damn hamburger.
Ten minutes later, she's still trying
to get the frickin' hamburger.
(laughter, applause)
Unfortunately, dogs learn.
To this day, Roadie will not eat or drink
out of a bowl that she's never met.
Until she does her little Army crawl.
She'll be like this.
(laughter)
It's sad, I know. But...
I let Roadie get back at people after that happened to her.
This past Halloween, I got a shark outfit for Roadie.
(laughter)
We were shooting a television show.
I had a dressing room.
Outside the dressing room was the hallway
where everyone would walk, and you could
hear 'em coming around the corner,
and I would go, "Roadie, sic 'em!"
She'd run in the hallway... (barking) come back in.
People are, like, "Oh, that's really cute."
I took the shark outfit, I put it on Roadie.
Tiny little shark outfit.
The great thing about this was, when the shark outfit
was on the dog, you couldn't see the dog.
(laughter)
All you could see was this misshapen shark
kind of reptilian-looking thing.
It was an odd color, a weird shape,
it had a fin right here,
two fins out the back, a thing in the tail,
and teeth and eyes-- it was fantastic!
Now, when you're frightened,
your emotions of being frightened take over,
but then your cognitive brain recognizes really quickly
what it is that's frightening you
and you calm down immediately. It's like, "Aah! Oh.
Ha-ha, that's really funny."
When something comes around the corner at you
that your brain can't recognize...
(laughter)
...especially when it looks likes some sort of odd reptilian
prehistoric thing,
your lizard primordial brain kicks in.
And I mean 300-pound, tough working guys
that come walking around the corner.
She'd come running around the corner like this,
not making any noise, and they'd be, like,
"Wh-What the (bleep) is that!"
(laughter)
I had pee stains on the carpet outside my dressing room.
It was...
All right. You like the dog stories, I got one more.
I adopted a dog a few months ago,
and this was a surrender dog--
some family just giving up on him
and giving him to the shelter.
We didn't know why it was.
We named him Buddy.
And, uh, he's a Jack Russell terrier.
(applause)
It took us about a half a day to figure out
why some other family gave up on Buddy.
Buddy's an idiot.
He's like, bark, bark, bark, bark, run, run, run, run,
bark, bark, bark, bark.
This dog would not stop barking.
He's nuts.
He's a sweet dog, but he's freaking nuts.
So we went to the dog trainer, we said, "What do we do?"
The dog trainer said, "I have
"two ways of taking care of a barking dog.
You have to teach... work with the dog."
I'm like, "Fantastic. What do you do?"
She goes, "Well, one is a spray bottle with water."
I go, "I know. We've done that."
She goes, "No, no, not just water."
She goes, "You don't want to do just water
"to a Jack Russell terrier,
"because they eventually like the water
and think it's just a new way of getting a drink."
She said, "You got to mix
about 40% of Listerine with the water."
I'm like, "Oh, that's awful."
She goes, "No, no, it doesn't really hurt them.
"It just gets their attention, bothers them, then they realize
"when they're barking, you spray them and say no,
they eventually learn not to bark."
I'm like, "Okay, Listerine in the water. Got it."
She said, "The other way, I have this electronic collar.
And it's not a mean thing-- it's not a shocking collar."
She goes, "It's a new thing. It's an electronic thing.
"When the dog barks, it puffs out
"this puff of citronella right in their face.
So, eventually, they learn..."
(barks, groans)
"...they learn not to bark."
I'm like, "Okay, send us the collar.
Fantastic. We'll try that." "Okay, great."
So we put the collar on Buddy,
I got the spray bottle ready, everything was great.
Buddy would bark. Spray him in the face.
Like... (groans) Okay, fine.
I'm not going to do that. (puffs)
Like that-- he learned, okay, don't like that.
One day, Buddy was having a really bad day.
It was raining outside.
He wouldn't stop barking.
Anything that moved in the backyard, he would bark at.
I'm spraying with the bottle. I'm trying to get stuff done.
He's barking, he's bugging the heck out of me,
and I'm spraying, I'm spraying him.
He's barking, he's barking.
By the end of the day, this poor dog
smelled like he was from the dentist's office.
His hair was completely matted.
His eyes were bloodshot.
He looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot.
That's what he looked like.
(cheering and applause)
And then the really sad part was he barked so much that day,
the battery on the collar had worn down,
and now the timing was completely off.
But by the end of the day, he had learned.
He's a smart dog, and I swear to God,
by the end of the day, this is what he was doing.
(barking)
(puffs)
(cheering and applause)
And then, when the sun came out,
he was eventually running around the backyard again.
He didn't care about the collar anymore.
He didn't care about the Listerine.
And we could not catch this dog.
He'd be running around chasing squirrels.
And we have an eight-foot fence that's about five inches wide,
goes all the way around the yard,
and the squirrels just run around the top of the fence
and bug the heck out of the dog, and you can't catch him.
Run, run, run, run, bark, bark, bark, bark.
But my fiancée-- her name is Audrey--
she came up with something that was a brilliant idea.
She would go out in the backyard
when Buddy was barking and chasing the squirrel,
and she'd stand right next to the fence
and look up like she's trying to find the squirrel, too.
Buddy's smart. He would run up to her
and go, "Oh, you're trying to help me.
Where's the squirrel?"
She'd reach down and go,
"You idiot. I got you. You're done. All right."
(laughter and applause)
All right.
Now, I'm watching this thinking the dog's smart.
He's going to learn after about four or five times that,
"No, this is stupid. I can't run next to her.
She's just trying to catch me."
I thought, "I'll get in on the act a little more.
I did the same thing, but when I picked him up,
I thought, "I'm going to be part of the team."
I would actually pick him up and hold him up.
And I can pick him up just high enough
that he could take his little paws
on the edge of the fence,
and he'd pull himself up like this--
honest to God-- and he could look
up and down the fence like this, looking for the squirrel.
And then he'd look over and look in the other yard.
Okay, no squirrel.
And then I'd slowly lower him back down.
And then we'd walk down to the edge of the fence.
Like, we're still a few feet down.
I'd pick him up, he'd do it again.
Look, look, look.
Eventually, he thought I was part of the team.
Fantastic. It worked.
Three days later, I'm sitting on the couch.
I look over at Audrey, and I go, "You know, that thing,
picking him up like that, that's working pretty well."
She goes, "Yeah, it's working great."
I go, "Wonder what that looks like
from the other side of the fence."
(laughter)
Sure enough, honest to God,
couple days later, get a phone call.
"Hi, uh... Jeff, this is Bob from next door."
"Hey, Bob. What's going on?"
"Um, I... I don't know how to say this, but, um...
"my wife says that your dog
is spying on her in the backyard."
(laughter and applause)
I'm like, "What are you talking about, Bob?"
He goes, "Well, I-I didn't believe her,
"but yesterday, I'm out in the backyard watering the lawn,
"and sure enough, son of a (bleep),
your dog is peering over the fence."
(laughter, applause)
"I don't know how he does it,
but then he lowered himself back down."
I go, "Yeah, Bob."
He goes, "No, really.
"And then, about 30 seconds later,
he's ten feet down the fence looking at me again."
"And then he lowered himself back down."
I'm like, "Okay, Bob.
I'll have a talk with Buddy."
And he goes, "No, no, it's worse."
I go, "What's worse, Bob?"
He goes, "Well, I think your dog's trying to kill us,
but he's not good at it yet."
I said, "Bob, what are you talking about?"
He goes, "Well, a few hours later, he's looking at me again,
"but then he barked, turned his head sideways,
winced, and an explosion went off."
(laughter and applause)
Are you guys ready for the little people in the boxes?
(audience cheering)
All right.
Here's how this works.
I told all the guys they could be whoever they want tonight.
It's a monster special, so just pick.
So, here we go.
(thunder crashing)
(eerie music playing)
It's alive! It's alive!
And it's trying to sleep.
Shut the hell up.
And now I'm going to build you a bride.
(grunts)
ANNOUNCER: You will be terrified.
(cheering and applause)
Ah, shut the hell up.
This is not my idea.
Good evening, Walter.
Do I look like Walter?
You look like a Walter Frankenstein.
Well, then, call me Crankenstein.
All right, Crankenstein.
You look good.
No, I don't. I look like a cross
between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk.
(laughter)
No offense, Hulk.
(laughter)
You don't look like either one of them.
Ah, then I look like Gumby in a nursing home.
How about that?
That would make you Pokey.
(chuckles)
Get it? You're an ass.
I got it.
(growls)
That's pretty good.
Yeah, I've been working on that.
(growls)
-That's my angry sound. -Yeah.
Here's my happy sound.
(weak grunt)
Here's "surprised."
(surprised grunt)
Here's gay.
(effeminate grunt)
If you don't like the costume,
then why'd you pick this one?
We were supposed to dress as whatever scared us as a kid.
Oh. So, for you, that was Frankenstein?
Actually, it was a Catholic priest, but...
(laughter, applause)
But...
everybody gets mad when I offend the Mexicans.
(laughter, applause)
(chuckles)
Walter, are you ever happy?
You should hope not.
Why?
Can you imagine me
coming out here in a good mood?
Hi, everybody.
I'm Walter, and life is peachy!
You'd be working at Starbucks in a (bleep) week.
What?
Language.
English.
(laughter)
And you didn't even have to push "one" to hear it.
(applause, cheering and whistling)
You know, Walter, these people came here to be entertained.
Not all of 'em.
You know there's a handful of guys sitting out there
right now whose wives were, like,
"Oh, come on, we have to go see
the middle-aged dumb ass and his dolls." (laughs)
(laughter, applause)
And now those guys are sitting out there right now, going,
"Son of a (bleep).
It's a middle-aged dumb ass and his dolls."
(laughter)
And now you're playing dress-up with your dolls.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
When's the tea party, Ken?
Ah.
(laughter)
Middle-aged dumb ass.
Which part of that do you not like the most?
(laughter)
Middle-aged or dumb ass?
-What do you think? -Well,
you're only as old as you feel, but dumb ass is in the DNA.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
WOMAN: Walter! Walter!
You know, speaking of, uh, age,
you're not exactly young anymore.
Hey...!
(laughter)
Let's think about this for a second.
What, how long have I been in the show?
-24 years. -24 years.
So anybody who might have seen our show 24 years ago...
Yeah?
I look exactly the same.
(laughter)
You do not.
(laughter)
Yeah, this show started out young man-old man.
Pretty soon, we're gonna be
the stinkin' Sunshine Boys.
(laughter)
I used to give you dating and marriage advice.
Not too long from now,
we're gonna be on stage comparing colonoscopies.
(laughter)
You know, Walter, age is a state of mind.
Not when your ass starts leaking.
Uh...
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Yeah, there's a couple of old farts in the front row,
going, "Yeah, he's right, Lars.
My ass is leaking. He's right."
And then, after that, you're gonna die.
I'll be on the shelf somewhere.
(laughter)
Well, no more nightly prostate exams.
(laughter)
You know, Walter, technically, you're not really Frankenstein.
-What? -Well, most people don't realize this,
but the monster was The Monster,
and Frankenstein was actually the doctor.
Well, thank you, Professor Googles-Too-(bleep)-Much.
(laughter)
You know, you should... you should Tweet that.
How about that?
Then you can Tweet, "I'm a huge dork.
frowny face, hashtag, Dumb Ass."
(laughter)
(applause)
-Walter... -I'll take "Things
That Will Never Get You Laid" for $500, Alex.
(laughter)
Well, I will say, I like your costume.
Well, great.
-Franken-stein. -Right.
Sounds like a Jewish name.
You think Dr. Frankenstein was Jewish?
-I don't know. -That would explain a lot.
Why is that?
He was digging up used body parts.
Right.
Probably to save money.
(laughter)
(applause)
Oh, tell me I'm wrong!
(laughter)
Yeah, that's it. He was Jewish.
And that explains why his monster was angry all the time.
Why?
Because he's circumcised, the poor bastard.
(laughter)
Now that changes the movie completely.
He's killing the villagers because he's deranged.
No, he's not. His wiener hurts.
(laughter)
And it was somebody else's.
(laughter)
You know, if I were really that monster,
wherever the doctor was digging up parts, yeah,
I'd hope that cemetery had one dead black guy and no Asians.
(laughter)
That's right. I did a racist wiener joke.
(laughter)
Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.
(laughter)
(applause, cheering and whistling)
Walter, you went from Frankenstein
to circumstision... sision.
(laughter)
Focus!
(laughter)
What the hell is circumstision?
Sounds like something they cut out of the Constitution.
(laughter)
Just the top part.
All right.
(laughter)
Yeah, by the fore-fathers.
All right.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
And that's another thing.
Why was the doctor's monster seven feet tall?
What?
That's dangerous.
He should have started with a small monster.
-Small monster? -Yeah. Frankenmidget.
(laughter)
If anything goes nuts, just strap his ass
to the kid's car seat and drive around till he falls asleep.
(laughter)
Parents do it all the time.
You think it's loose, what's the worst that could happen?
You get a call from the villagers.
"Hey, come get your monster.
He's in our yard, and he's humping our cat."
(laughter)
"That's impossible.
His wiener hurts."
(laughter)
(applause)
You know, Walter, you're no longer supposed
to use the word "midget." They don't like it.
I think what they really don't like is being three feet tall.
(laughter)
But I'll make sure.
If there are any midgets here
that have a problem, raise your hand.
Higher, higher...
(laughter)
(applause)
Huh!
(applause and cheering)
What's wrong with you tonight?
Uh, take a guess.
I don't know. Is your wife okay?
That's exactly right.
(laughter)
Wait a minute-- your wife is happy and healthy,
and she's always in a good mood.
I know, and it's the worst in the mornings. Good God.
It's, like, "Oh, good morning, Sunshine." (giggles)
(laughter)
Holy crap.
Makes me want to drop-kick her frickin' poodle.
(imitates thud, imitates squeal)
(laughs)
Morning, honey!
It's a kick-ass day now!
(laughter)
I should shove a stick in that dog's ass
-and use it to clean the toilets. -Oh.
(laughter)
(imitates swirling with ascending trill)
(laughter)
(applause)
Course, if you're in Australia, it'd be...
(imitates swirling with descending trill)
(laughter)
Walter, I thought your marriage was solid.
It is, in a constipated kind of way.
(laughter)
But you still love each other.
Yes. The love changes when you get older.
How's that?
Well, you go from wanting to make out in a car
to wanting to run over each other with a car.
You go from "I was struck by Cupid's arrow," to,
"Maybe she'll get hit by a frickin' Camaro."
(laughter)
From, "Hold me and love, me,
to "Kiss my ass and die, (bleep)."
(laughter)
Oh, that's awful.
Now what about life after death?
Huh?
Some people think that even after death,
you're still together for all of eternity.
(laughter)
I'm pretty sure you just told me to go to Hell.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
-Back to the monster stuff. -Sure.
Is there any particular movie that scares you?
Yeah, the film of my wedding.
(laughter)
But if I'm depressed, I watch it backwards.
(laughter)
You get it?
She walks away.
(laughter)
-Come on, you love your wife. -Yeah, I know.
But on our wedding, when she came walking down the aisle,
with that giant hair and all that makeup,
I felt like yelling, "It's alive! It's alive!"
So, how did the service go?
Well, the worst part was when the minister asked
if anyone objected, and no one would listen to me.
(laughter)
Maybe they couldn't hear you.
Hey, you're right.
You weren't there.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
So what happened after the wedding?
-She started eating cake. -Right.
Non-stop.
-For 45 years. -(laughter)
-You know what scares me now? -What?
When my wife says,
"Does this thong make my ass look fat?"
(laughter)
You didn't answer that, right?
I guessed I shouldn't have.
What did you say?
I asked her if it was a thong,
or if her ass grew over her panties.
(laughter)
(applause and laughter)
That's terrible.
Yeah, I probably should have stopped there.
(laughter)
What else did you say?
I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat.
Your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat."
(laughter)
The thong is the victim.
(laughter)
Why-why are you telling me this?
It's a horror show, right?
Yeah.
(laughter)
Let's talk about Halloween.
All right, well, that's less scary.
Yeah.
You guys still get a lot of trick-or-treaters?
Not anymore.
Why?
Well, a couple of years ago, unfortunately,
my wife answered the door
with one of her knockers hanging out of her robe.
(laughter)
Yeah, we still get therapy bills from those kids.
(laughter)
Did you actually say "knockers"?
Yeah, I guess now they're more like flappers.
(laughter)
Hell, if she moves just right,
they flop like two doggy doors.
(laughter)
Oh, yeah, last week she did jumping jacks
and ended up with two black eyes.
(laughter)
Then there are the teenagers who show up at your door
with a sack and no costume.
-Right. -They just had the munchies
from smoking too much weed.
-Weed. -Yeah, you know, pot.
-I know. -Maryjane.
-Right. -Ganja.
(laughter)
The chronic.
The Bangkok blastoff.
The sticky icky.
(laughter)
How do you know all this?
I... have glaucoma.
(laughter)
(cheering, whistling)
You know what scares me now?
-What? -Medical Web sites where you enter your symptoms
and it tells you what you have.
-Are you sick? -I think so.
What do you have?
I pretty much narrowed it down
to a uterus infection.
(laughter)
Or mesothelioma.
Mesothelioma?
You get that from asbestos.
That's what Peanut is made out of.
(laughter)
What, are you sniffing Peanut?
It's lonely on the road, Jeff.
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Speaking of lonely,
earlier, did I hear you say you're engaged now?
You have a fiancée?
That's right.
(cheering, whistling)
What the (bleep) is wrong with you?
(laughter)
You don't get a call
from the governor and then turn around
and strap yourself back in the chair.
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
(audience whooping, applauding)
You've met Audrey.
Yeah.
-It's a nice chair. -(laughs): Yeah.
Yeah, you won't have to have that one
reupholstered for a while.
(laughter)
-Say good night, Walter. -Thanks, Savannah!
-(cheering, applause) -That's Walter.
(eerie music plays, thunder crashes)
MAN: Feel the cold grip of his presence.
He sleeps in the tomb by day...
(thunder crashes)
...and arises at night
with an insatiable thirst.
(bottle top cracks open)
(thunder crashes)
(glugging)
(belches)
(woman screams)
I fear we're dealing with...
a vampire.
(thunder crashes, woman gasps)
(hisses)
Back! Back!
Oh, no!
Okay, maybe, but I'm not gonna floss.
(thunder crashes)
(eerie music playing)
(bat squeaking, wings flapping)
(rapid panting)
(thunder crashes)
(applause, cheering, whistling)
(applause, cheering continue)
(goofy chuckling)
Eh...
How you doing, Bubba J?
I'm doing purty good!
(cheering, whistling)
So, are you ready for this?
Oh, yeah, been looking forward to it, yeah, yeah.
-You look good. -Oh, yeah, I look good. Thanks a lot.
-You have hair. -(gasps) I know!
(laughter)
It's a miracle!
It's like an armpit grew on my head.
Well, I bet you didn't even
recognize yourself in a mirror.
Oh, I never look in a mirror.
Why not?
Because in a mirror I'm backwards,
and it scares me.
(laughter)
-It scares you? -Yeah, because I know
that all mirrors are actually windows
to that world where everything they do
is the opposite of us.
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
And when they look in the mirror, they see us,
and we're doing everything they do but backwards to them.
(laughter)
That's ridiculous.
I know, but you can't prove me wrong!
(laughter)
-Bubba J... -And sometimes folks from that world
lose their way and then somehow end up
in this world.
They are amongst us.
(laughter)
How can you tell?
-They're easy to spot. -How?
Because they write with their left hands.
(laughter)
(cheering, whooping)
All right... Well, you want to talk about
why we're here tonight?
Yeah, let's do it!
-Okay. -Are the cameras on?
-They are. -Is the tape rolling?
-Yes. -Great.
Quiet on the set. Take one.
(laughter)
-You have the first line. -Okay.
Don't (bleep) it up.
(laughter)
All right, so, uh, Bubba J, you're a vampire.
Yep, and I've come to suck your beer. (laughs)
-(laughter) -Yeah!
(cheering, whooping, applause)
-Well, you look good. -I'm Count Beer-cula.
(goofy laugh)
And I drink Blood-weiser.
(laughing): Yeah, yeah.
Anything else?
Yeah, I'm a white trash vampire.
How's that?
My coffin has a gun rack.
(laughter)
Really?
And I bit my cousin.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
Wait a minute, your...
your coffin has a gun rack?
Everything I own has a gun rack.
My gun rack has a gun rack.
(laughter)
My coffeemaker has a gun rack.
My dishwasher has a gun rack.
-Your dishwasher? -Actually, I don't have a dishwasher.
Oh.
My wife is my dishwasher, but she has a rack!
(laughter)
(cheering, whooping, whistling)
Yeah. I could rest my pistol there,
if you know what I'm talking about, eh...
(laughter)
Do you know what I'm talking about?
'Cause I don't. I don't know.
So, Bubba J, why'd you choose to be a vampire?
-Well, we have a lot in common. -How's that?
We both hang around with folks with red necks.
(laughter)
-Makes sense. -Yeah, and if you're a redneck vampire,
you can only be killed by a silver mullet.
(goofy laugh)
(laughter, applause)
Or. a chicken-fried stake through the heart.
Ha...
Why only one big tooth?
It's a bottle opener.
Oh, I see, yeah.
(laughter)
-Well, I think this was a good choice for you. -Yeah.
I wanted to be a ghost, but somebody backstage told me
a redneck in a white sheet wasn't a good idea.
(laughter, whooping, applause)
(laughs)
Bubba J, I was wondering something.
Yeah, that happens to me a lot, too.
What I was gonna say is, what happens if a vampire
drinks the blood of an alcoholic?
(gasps)
That's genius!
(laughter)
I got a blood-alcohol level of 3.4.
I should bite myself.
-(laughter) -Wait,
if I do that, will I go blind?
(laughter)
(applause)
No.
Oh, yeah, that's something else, isn't it?
-Yeah. -Okay, no, no, no.
But that's a pretty high blood-alcohol level.
Yeah, drink too much of my blood,
and you'll end up going home
with a ugly chick with a lazy eye.
(laughter)
And you won't even realize she's a he.
(groans, laughter)
(goofy laugh)
So, Bubba J, are you Team Edward
or Team Jacob?
Oh-ho,
I'm Team Jack Daniels.
(goofy chuckling)
(laughter)
Yeah. I've-I've seen those Twilight vampires.
I'm not sure about that.
-That one main guy, he's got a six-pack. -Right.
Yeah, big deal.
I got a keg.
(laughter, whooping, applause)
I'm not sure about the old kind of vampires, either.
-How's that? -Well, I could never sleep in this coffin.
Why not?
Well, my favorite things are beer and bean dip.
(laughter)
Yeah, you get it, huh?
(laughter)
Not good when you're in a pine box
with no holes in it.
Dutch oven, my ass.
Oh, yeah?
So, Bubba J, did you go
trick-or-treating when you were a kid?
Yeah, but where I lived, it wasn't easy.
-Why? -It's hard to go trick-or-treat
where any house you're at could suddenly pull away.
(laughter)
Ding-dong!
Trick or treat!
(imitates vehicle driving away)
(laughter, applause)
(whooping)
He's got Milky Ways! Shoot the tires!
(laughter)
Well, Bubba J, you look good.
Well, I was gonna come dressed as a monster truck.
A monster truck? Why didn't you?
The muffler kept falling out of my ass.
(laughter)
-Well, like this, I think you're pretty scary. -Thanks.
-But what scares you? -Oh.
Tornadoes...
Breathalyzers...
and books with words.
(laughter)
Well, I agree with you on the tornadoes.
Yeah, it's pretty scary when you get into bed,
and the room is spinning the wrong way.
(laughter)
Think about it.
(laughter)
I don't think Dorothy's house really went anywhere.
She was just drunk off her ass.
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering and applause)
(chuckles)
You know, Bubba J,
you kind of look like The Count on Sesame Street.
Oh. That's the vampire that knows how to count, right?
Yeah.
That's where he and I are different.
(laughter)
So, how high can you count?
Six.
When I buy a 12-pack, I just have to trust 'em.
(laughter)
Well, you can just buy two six-packs.
(whimpers)
(laughter)
I think I hurt my brain.
Bubba J, if you were a real vampire,
you'd have to stay inside all day.
-Yeah. -What would you do?
I'd watch NASCAR on my plasma TV.
Oh. You...
Wait a minute. You have... you have a plasma TV?
Well, sort of.
It's a regular TV,
but I call it that, 'cause I sold my blood to get it.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
(chuckles)
How big is the TV?
63 inches.
That's a good one.
Yeah. The first thing I watched on it was a sad movie
about a dead-end street where drunk guys struggle
to find some meaning in their pathetic lives.
It was a half an hour before I realized
I was gazing out my front window.
(laughter)
(applause)
I love Halloween: "Trick or drink!"
(goofy laugh)
Trick or treat.
Not on my road.
(laughter)
What do you do, hand out cans of beer?
(laughs) That'd be dumb. No, no.
I squirt 'em in the mouth with a keg hose.
(laughter)
Yeah, that ain't no normal golden shower.
(laughter and groaning)
(chuckles)
I wouldn't know.
Ha. Yeah, whatever.
(laughter)
Do you ever have any trouble
around your neighborhood on Halloween?
Yeah. Last Halloween, somebody threw toilet tissue
all over my trailer.
-Really? -Yeah.
Just in time, too.
I was out of leaves, and down to pinecones.
(laughter)
So, Bubba J, what else scares you?
Being kidnapped by aliens.
Right.
The ones from space, not Mexico.
(laughter)
Hey, do you know what the difference is
between space aliens
and illegal aliens?
No. What?
Occasionally, space aliens go back to where they came from.
(laughter)
(goofy laugh)
(applause and cheering)
(whistling)
So, Bubba J, what do you like most about Halloween?
Oh, I like it when hot girls dress up like sexy kittens.
-Kittens? -Yeah.
Which, after too much beer, led to my unfortunate incident
with my neighbor's cat.
(laughter)
Yeah. I still have scratches in bad places.
(laughter)
And one really good one.
So does the cat.
My Cousin Jed likes cats, too.
-I see. -Jed isn't his real name.
That's just what we call him since he got his GED.
(laughter)
Doesn't that spell "Ged"?
I don't ka-know.
(laughter)
Where'd you grow up, Bubba J?
All over the place.
I was mobile home-schooled.
Was that a good education?
Oh, yeah. We covered all the basics.
Reading, writing and meth.
(laughter)
You mean math.
(laughs) No.
(laughter)
You mean meth, as in methamphetamines?
Ooh.
Fancy!
(laughter)
Sounds like somebody got his Ged.
(laughter)
I failed meth.
I hated my lab partner.
(quietly): I think he was on drugs.
(laughter)
Bubba J, you know that's illegal.
That's why I ran away.
That's cowardly.
-It is? -Mm-hmm.
I'm a lion.
(laughter)
That makes you Dorothy.
(laughter)
And José is the Tin Man, Walter is Oz,
and Peanut is the flying-ass monkey.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Who's Achmed?
Uh, he's the guy that comes in and (bleep) up the whole story.
(laughter)
He makes it so we have to take off our shoes
before we go through the castle.
(laughter)
And who's the Wicked Witch of the West?
I think you know, 'cause she took all your money.
(laughter, applause, cheering and whistling)
Say good night, Bubba J.
Good night!
(applause and cheering)
ANNOUNCER: In a world where crime is rampant,
and no one is willing to make a stand...
-(sirens blaring) -...there is only one
who can take back the night.
So, what is it you do, Mr. Nut?
I do nothing.
I am rich.
I mean really rich.
Want to see my car?
(engine revving, sirens blaring)
(engine revving, tires squealing)
Who's there?
Jeff-fuh?
Who's there?
Who are you? Who are you?!
(bats screeching)
(applause and cheering)
(dramatic music plays)
(applause, cheering and whistling)
How you doing, Peanut?
-Doing pretty good. How about you? -I'm fine.
That's good, that's good, that's good!
-(cheering and applause) -(laughs)
-So, you're Batman? -No, no, no.
I'm Batnut.
(laughter)
-Batnut? -Yes.
Batnut, nut-laced avenger of the night.
Is that why you're talking like that?
-Of course. -Batnut?
-Yes. -You sound more like you're the Choker.
(laughs)
(laughter)
Okay, shut up!
I do the talking.
You stand there and try to look like
you're doing something besides just standing there.
(laughter)
Look, do you really think Batnut scares criminals?
Of course. Especially if they have a nut allergy.
(laughter)
(guttural hissing)
(laughter)
Face my honey-roasted justice!
So it seems to me like I'm standing next
to a poor excuse for a Batman.
And I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a white man.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
So, do you have any weapons?
Of course. Batman has the batarang.
I have the nutarang.
-The nutarang? -Yes.
It does exactly what you think it does.
But when it comes back, I don't want to catch it.
(laughter)
And I have two of them. I call them the Dynamic Duo.
(laughter)
And I keep them near the bat pole.
(laughter)
-Are you finished? -Yes.
No more double entendres.
Thank you.
-Until the next one. -Peanut!
-Don't get testicle! -Oh, come on!
(laughter)
(applause)
(laughing)
(applause and cheering continue)
So like Batman, do you have a signal in the sky to summon you?
Well, I've been trying to figure that out.
First, I was gonna have a big bat in the sky.
Then I thought, "No, that's Batman."
Then I thought, "I know.
I'll have one big nut in the sky."
Then I thought, "No. That's Lance Armstrong."
(laughter)
(applause)
This is ridiculous.
And I have everything Batman has except one thing.
-What? -A butler.
(laughter)
-Funny. -Oh, come on, dude.
-You'd make a great butler. -No.
Just go with it. You're Batnut's butler.
-Great. -The Nutler!
(laughter)
(applause)
Now, Nutler, go iron my cape
and disinfect my polyester bat shorts.
(laughter)
-I'm not gonna be your butler. -Nutler.
Whatever.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, it's not like you have anything else to do.
What does that mean?
Seriously, what do you do
when the other guys and I aren't here?
Walk around looking for other folks to stand next to?
(laughter)
-You even already have a butler name. -What?
♪ Dun-ham! ♪
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
(affected voice): Oh, Dun-ham, bring me my tea.
It's time to butter the scones.
(normal voice): I could even add a little bell.
Ding-ding!
(affected voice): Jef-fuh-fuh!
(laughter)
(applause, whooping)
I want my scones.
I'm not taking orders from you.
(normal voice): You would if I did it in the voice.
(affected voice): Jef-fuh-fuh!
Time to polish the nutarang.
And please fluff the padding in my cup.
(normal voice): I love that voice.
I also like the Darth Vader voice.
I can do both at the same time.
I am your fuh-father, Jef-fuh-fuh.
(laughter, cheering)
(whooping, whistling)
Use the Fuh-force, Jef-fuh-fuh.
Why is Batman's voice like that, anyway?
I don't know. Suit's too tight?
(strained): The suit's a little tight, Alfred.
It's kind of scrunching up the Dynamic Duo.
(laughter)
I actually think I'm better than Batman.
-How's that? -I have one extra power that he does not.
And that is?
-Bat telepathy. -Bat telepathy?
Yes, it's like ES-Peanut.
-I have the ability to read your mind. -No, you...
Don't!
(laughter)
(cheering, applause)
Come on, that's...
Ridiculous!
It's like I knew what you were gonna say
right when you did.
Well, of course you did, because...
I like to stare at Justin Bieber pictures
and dream about being his secret girlfriend.
(laughter, applause)
(whooping)
Now you're making stuff up.
-Am I? -Yes, but I...
Put honey in certain places for my little doggy to lick.
(laughter, groaning)
Will you stop...
Me before I oil myself up and go clubbing.
(imitates dance percussion) What's your name?
(imitates dance percussion)
I can make you talk. (imitates dance percussion)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
(imitates dance percussion)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
(laughter)
Are you finished?
(imitates dance percussion quietly)
(laughter)
(quiet, high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
(laughter)
Are there any Batman villains that frighten you?
-Oh, yeah. -Which one?
The clown that dresses weird and wears too much makeup.
Right.
So any of the Orange County housewives.
(laughter)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
That's another thing-- does Batman fart?
I... I don't know.
Yeah, but his are probably just like him--
silent but deadly.
Wait! Did you hear that?
-No. -Then you're already dead.
What?
(lisping): Thanks.
You know what the worst superhero name is?
Green Lantern.
Named after a lamp-- it's like,
"I'm the Silver Toaster-- stand back or I'll warm you!"
(laughter)
Another bad name is The Flash.
The Flash-- is he gonna fight crime
or open his trench coat
and show you his caped crusader?
(laughter)
His caped crusader?
His partners in crime.
His henchmen.
His chicka-chicka-wah-wah!
(laughter)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
Captain America is cool.
Captain Mexico is his mortal enemy.
Always trying to take his job.
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering)
And, of course, Captain America's shield
is built by Captain China.
(laughter)
-Captain China? -Yeah, and sometimes he teams up
with the fearsome fighter from France.
What does he do?
Just bitch, wait for help, then surrenders.
(laughter, applause, whistling)
(whooping, cheering)
Are there any superheroes you like?
-Duh. Wonder Woman. -Sure.
-Yeah. I would never date her, though. -Why?
She has that lasso that makes you tell the truth.
She ties you up,
and you think it's getting kinky, and then...
"Of course I want to nail your sister."
(laughter)
"Yes, those stars do make your ass look fat."
(laughter)
"No, it wasn't really just a rash."
(laughter, groaning)
You know, last Halloween some hot chick came to my door
dressed as a hooker and went, "Trick or treat!"
I took both.
(laughter, applause)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
You know, I love getting candy on Halloween,
but the candy names are in question.
Like what?
Don't ever let me hear you say,
"I love 3 Musketeers."
Oh, really? Well, I'm sure
you'll enjoy getting a Blow Pop.
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
And I don't want to know what happens
when you bite into an Oh Henry!
You probably catch the Skittles.
And then end up with a Sour Patch.
I also don't want a Butterfinger.
I know where that (bleep) been.
(applause and cheering)
I do like Halloween costumes, though.
Yeah, you always have a good one?
Yeah, except one year
when I dressed up like a cat.
-A cat? -Yeah.
There was an unfortunate misunderstanding
after Bubba J drank a 12-pack.
Want to see the scratches?
No.
Want to see how he scratched me?
No.
You want to see my sidekick?
No. Wait. What?
My sidekick. Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.
You have a sidekick?
Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.
A sidekick for Batnut?
Yep.
Is it José?
Maybe.
Get him out.
Look-look-look-look- look-look-look!
(audience cheering)
Who are you?
-That's my sidekick. -Robin?
Ruben.
♪ Da-da-da! ♪
I am Ruben.
I see. So you're a superhero, too.
Sí.
-Okay, José. -Ruben!
Sorry. Ruben.
How can I help you, citizen?
Ooh! Excellent question, non-citizen.
(applause and cheering)
-So, do you have super powers? -Sí.
What are they?
I can hit you with my stick.
Or poke you in the eye.
If you eat me, I burn your ass.
And if you mix him with bad guacamole,
he can give you the cha-cha-chas.
So, uh, Ruben, are you a fan of Batman and Robin?
-No. -Then why are you dressed like this?
Señor Peanut put these clothes on me.
I could not stop him.
Why couldn't you stop him?
He doesn't have any arms.
(applause and cheering)
(inhaling laugh)
He is not Batnut. He is Captain A-Hole.
Hey!
Ooh-ah, ooh-ah.
Well, I think it's a good costume.
I wanted to dress as something
that gave me nightmares.
Like a big plate of nachos? (giggles)
No, I wanted to dress as an ugly whore.
Why didn't you?
I could not find a mask
that looks like your sister.
-Hey! -Wait a minute.
What the hell?!
Ha-ha.
Jerk!
All right. Look. So...
Hey, José, for Halloween,
why don't you and your family all line up
and go as a picket fence?
You know what scares José?
A deep fryer and cheese up his ass.
I know someone else who has cheese up their ass.
Yeah? Who?
Ask your mother.
All right!
Okay, look at Batnut's sidekick,
do you have any responsibilities?
-No. -Nothing?
-You don't even drive a car? -No.
That would be stick on stick.
And that's illegal in some states.
Ooh-ah, ooh-ah!
But Ruben, you don't have any powers?
Or limbs. (giggles)
How do you stop villains?
Mace.
Mace. (chuckles)
It'd been funny if he said pepper spray.
Why didn't you say pepper spray?
You cannot say that without moving your lips.
(applause and cheering)
-So, Ruben, how do you spray the bad guys? -Well...
Uh! This is a family show.
Have you ever been a sidekick before?
No, but he's been a side dish. (laughs)
Get it?! A side dish!
With cheese for your mother.
All right!
So, look, a sidekick is there in case
-the superhero gets into trouble. -Sí.
What do you do if Batnut gets beat up?
I just laugh.
And then I put the video on YouTube.
He gets lots of hits.
Who's the piñata now, (bleep)?
(applause, laughter)
(applause and cheering)
So on Halloween when you guys aren't Batnut and Ruben,
do you go trick-or-treating?
Sí. We go home to home.
-Ah. -Unless he's out of work.
-What? -Then he goes Home Depot to Home Depot.
(laughter)
So, José, what did you dress up as last year?
-I went as a Mexican Boy Scout. -I see.
Yeah, he helped an old lady cross the border.
(laughter and applause)
So, José, where'd you get the mask?
Señor Peanut.
All he needed was a piece of material with two holes in it.
-Right. -So that's my underwear.
-(laughs) -(audience groans)
His mask is your underwear?
Is that why my eyes are burning?
(laughter and groaning)
Thank you, Taco Bell.
(laughter)
Peanut?
He looks like something a gay cat coughed up.
(laughter)
Hey!
All right, all right, look, as Batnut and Ruben,
do you guys have an archenemy, some sort of villain?
Sí, Señor.
-Oh, yeah. -Really?
-Yeah. -Can we see him?
You see him every day.
What?
He said, "You see him every day."
I heard him.
Then why did you say, "What?"
What?
(loudly): He said, "Why did you say what?"
(laughter)
Why are you yelling?
Because you keep saying, "What?"
(laughter)
Apparently, he cannot hear us.
I can hear you fine.
He's getting old.
-What? -See?
He said, "What?" again.
It's downhill after 50.
He's been farting more now, too.
(laughter)
I know. Old guys do that.
Excuse me.
I think he farted again.
At least he's polite.
You guys?
Yes, Jeff.
It's okay to get old, Señor.
It happens to everyone.
Unless you die first.
My hearing is fine.
Then why are you yelling?
I don't know!
He's confused.
(laughter)
No, I'm not!
And in denial.
(laughter)
What are you talking about?!
And he's senile.
Yup.
-It's okay. -Excuse me!
Why? Did you fart again?
(laughter)
-No. -So it was just the once?
What would happen if I snapped and killed you?
That would make you homicidal.
(laughter)
Exactly.
So you're admitting you're gay?
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
How do you get gay?
You just admitted you're homicidal.
What?!
There he goes again.
-Peanut? -Batnut. -And Ruben.
Do you guys have an archenemy?
-Sí. -Who is it?
-You. -Me? -Sí.
Our archenemy is in José's box.
The only thing in the box over there
is the little ventriloquist dummy
that kind of looks like me.
Right. Get it out.
You want me to pull out Little Jeff?
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
(Peanut laughs)
You can try that if you want to!
(laughter)
Can you make that talk, too, Señor?
(laughter)
(high-pitched): Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!
(laughter)
Add to your new act.
"Hi. I'm Little Jeff."
(laughs)
It's going to be a short show.
Oh!
(groaning, applause)
Look, the only thing...
This is him right here. This is it.
This is... this is your enemy.
That's it. Oh, look, check it out! Look! Look!
It is my archenemy.
I love this! This is fantastic!
This is just Little J.D., the dummy of me.
I... Oh, you forgot his mask.
Get the mask out. Quick, get the mask!
-He has a mask? -Yeah.
-JOSÉ: It's here, Señor. -Okay.
(gasps) Look at this.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...
The Loser!
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
I am The Loser.
Peanut?
Wait, wait. He has to say it again.
-I am a Loser. -We got it.
And why do you think this is funny?
He's a loser!
JOSÉ: Maybe it's you, Señor.
I know that.
Yeah, it's Dunham and Dunham-er.
(laughter)
We are the Losers!
This is stupid.
JOSÉ: Ask him about his powers, Señor.
Yeah, yeah, come on, ask him!
I'm not talking to a doll.
(laughter and groaning)
Ah, come on, ask him about his powers.
JOSÉ: Please, Señor.
-Come on! -All right, all right.
So, uh, Loser, what are your powers?
(laughs) You talked to a (bleep) doll.
You're a loser. Oh, my God.
(laughter)
(applause)
You need a big "L" on your forehead, too.
Okay, so, does he have any powers?
-Nope. -Losers.
All right.
He's just like you, except everything is smaller.
Not everything.
(laughter and groaning)
Okay, so does he have one power at all?
Yes, he has one power.
What is it?
He can repulse women with a single sentence.
Watch.
I am a ventriloquist.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
So, does he do anything?
He plays with dolls.
That's me.
And he plays with himself for hours.
That's more him than me.
(laughter)
Does he have a secret hideout?
-Yup. -The closet.
-All right. -(laughter)
-Two words. -What?
Blue Prius.
(laughing): All right.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
JOSÉ: Señor, that is Spanish
for, "I drive a gay car."
(laughter)
The Loser Cruiser.
(laughter)
(imitates car horn beeping)
-I don't like the name "The Loser." -You're right.
-He probably isn't really a loser. -Thank you.
I say we get a new mask for him that's shaped like a "W."
-Okay. -I am The Wuss.
(laughter)
-Okay, I'm curious about something. -Shoot.
-Every superhero has an archenemy. -Yes.
-But so does every villain. -That's true.
-So does The Loser have an archenemy? -Of course.
-Only one. -Who's that?
The evil, the ruthless Al E. Moaney.
(laughter and groaning)
Get it? Alimony?
I got it.
And there's only one superhero
who can save me from Al E. Moaney.
Who's that?
He's strong, but stupid, wealthy, but easily manipulated.
And that is?
New Husbandman.
(laughter and groaning)
(applause)
But she's not that stupid, right?
Well, legally, per the agreement,
I'm not allowed to talk about this.
(laughter)
But we can?
Yeah, you're good.
(laughter)
To be continued!
-To the closet. -And that's Batnut and Ruben.
(applause and cheering)
ACHMED: I...I...I...I... keel... keel... keel... keel...
you... you... you... you... you...
ANNOUNCER: This neighborhood...
(loud breathing)
...this house...
(loud breathing)
...these people...
-You want something to drink? -Thanks.
ACHMED: Infidels. I keel you.
MAN: ...are in for the shock
of their lives.
(loud breathing)
What will be left...
Wooh!
Ah... uh-uh.
(gasps)
ANNOUNCER: ...when all is revealed...
(Achmed grunts)
(gasps) Ooh. Hmm.
(grunting)
Oh, too heavy.
How am I going to keel them?
ANNOUNCER:...and the dark secret comes out?
(door creaking)
Oh! Ooh!
(gasps) Ooh!
MAN: Achmed?!
(yell echoing): No...!
(applause and cheering)
Good evening, Savannah infidels!
(applause, cheering and whistling)
So, uh, Achmed,
why are you dressed like this?
Oh, you told me to dress
like the scariest thing I could think of.
What are you?
I am a woman.
(laughter)
Just a woman?
Worse. An American woman.
-(laughter) -Ha, ha.
Silence! Impossible.
(laughter)
What's so scary about an American woman?
(gasps) They can vote.
(laughter and applause)
Yeah, and they can drive.
Not the Asian ones.
(laughter and groaning)
That is incredibly racist.
Yet factually correct.
How do you know?
I learned it in Cosmo.
Cosmo?
I took the quiz.
-The quiz? -Yes.
The quiz, "Are You a Racist (bleep)?"
(laughter)
-I see. -And guess what?
-What? -♪ Ta-da! ♪
(laughter)
DUNHAM: I see.
So what else scares you about American women?
Besides everything?
-The money. -The money?
You marry an American woman, and in no time,
all your money for bombs is gone!
She blows money on shoes, I have no money to blow up the Jews.
What?!
I don't mean just the Jews, but it rhymes--
"shoes" and "Jews."
I-I could've said, you know, "slacks" and "blacks."
But "Jews" is funnier.
And I like black folks.
Oh, we white chicks love the black guys.
I think the expression is "once you go black,
you never go back to white guys or medium to small animals."
Something like that.
Hey, I see you looking at me.
What do you think?
Uh, nice hair.
Oh, yes, and I promise you, the drapes match the curtains.
What?! I was talking about my beard, you idiots!
I don't have carpet carpet.
Well, I must say, your costume is-is not what I expected.
-You mean the blonde hair? -Right.
Well, I used to be a suicide bomber,
now I'm a suicide bombshell.
And it's easy for me to play a woman,
because after the explosion, my man-junk was never recovered.
I should've worn a cup.
A cup?
But a good one, like the one Venus Williams wears.
What?!
I love that guy and his brother.
(snickers)
So as a skeleton...
(gasps) What did you call me?!
A skeleton.
Oh, you're just trying to flatter me.
I still need to lose ten more pounds.
You're all bones.
I know.
Eat your heart out, Angelina!
Seriously, eat something, anything,
a (bleep) sandwich, whatever.
So, uh, what size dress is that?
(gasps) You never ask a woman that.
But if you must know,
I am now a size zero.
How'd you get down to a size zero?
My weight loss program.
Suicide bombing.
What?
I lost 200 pounds in 0.2 seconds.
Now I can eat whatever I want.
Seriously, it goes right through me.
Yeah, give me a cheeseburger and a bucket.
(whoops softly)
Well, you look good.
No, I'm not. I'm bloated.
I feel fat.
I have cramps.
(voice breaking): I'm going to cry.
What's wrong?
I don't know!
Don't touch me!
Achmed...
No, no! Achmedina.
Do you dress like this often?
No, only when I want free drinks.
Am I right, ladies?!
(crowd cheering)
Someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria's Secret model.
Really?
I know what their secret is.
-What? -(retching)
Well, I must say, I like your pink dress.
Oh! Fuchsia.
-Well, you look good. -Right.
Can you tell I had some work done?
Yes, the last time I had
this much plastic on my chest, it exploded.
So, Jeffrey...
do you like my hoochers?
That's, uh, "hooters."
You can call them whatever you want.
You just have to buy me dinner first.
Hey!
My eyes are up here!
My hoochers do not talk.
But of course you could make them talk
if you wanted to, couldn't you?
Hell, you could even make my voice
come out of my vajayjay if you wanted to.
Or as I call it, my terror cave.
Am I right, ladies?!
(audience whooping, cheering)
Your carrot cake?
What?
I said "terror cave."
Oh, I thought you said...
thought you said carrot cake.
What the hell?!
What now, you looking for my frosting?
Okay, but it's sour cream based.
Wait a minute, you misunderstood what I said?
You need to get some help really soon, I'm telling you.
Look, Achmed, I don't think this costume is that scary.
Oh, really?
What if I came to your door? Ding-dong.
Remember that night at Applebee's?
I'm carrying your child.
Yeah, that would be scary.
And it's worse for you.
When an angry blonde woman comes to your door,
she doesn't want candy, she wants half.
So where you're from, are there female suicide bombers?
We're pushing for it.
Why?
It's a lot easier than divorce.
Think about it.
And I have been working on a new weapon.
A new weapon?
Just for female suicide bombers.
What's that?
A tam-bomb. Just pull the string.
(imitates explosion)
(Achmed laughs)
You know that's a good one.
I'm changing the subject.
Do you like scary movies?
Oh, yes. My favorites are
I Know What You Did Last Ramadan...
Dr. Jekyll and Hide or We'll All Be Killed!
But my favorite is Silence! Of the Lambs.
And thank God they are silent.
Oh, if the lambs could talk...
Achmed, could we please stop with the sheep jokes?
-There's children watching. -(gasps)
-Really? -Right.
-Then it's time for the talk. -What?
When a man and a sheep love each other very much...
(laughter, applause)
Will you stop it?
That's what the sheep always say.
That's why you have to go with a lamb-- they're silent.
Hold on.
After the show, will you, uh, go buy me some feminine products?
You know, like some Summer's Eve.
I'm not feeling fresh.
I think the carrots are spoiled.
Or I may have a hummus infection.
You're kind of a mess.
Yes, but a hot mess, no?
And can I tell you a secret?
Sure.
(whispers): I kind of like dressing like this.
Seriously, you should give it a try, again.
Give it a second chance.
I have never dressed like a woman.
You mean in public.
I know, what happens on the tour bus stays on the tour bus.
Susan.
Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!
You guys have been awesome!
Thanks for coming tonight!
(audience cheering)
♪♪
Thank you!
Yay, Roadie!
Thanks again, you guys!
(beeping)